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I've been in a slump. Really it is in slump of waiting out the interum between actions. There currently isn't much to do. Which of course is a lie I could be doing plenty of things but I feel no drive to because those are my own personal aspirations and I do not feel any drive to complete those things that have no impact on anyone but myself. I am starting to recognize in myself that I don't actually much care for who I am outside of others. I don't have my own life that is seperate from the people that I interact with whether they are online or those I meet with my eyes.
I have writting interests and drawing interests and reading interests but what I start to accomplish those things I feel as though because I am not sharing them that I cannot enjoy them by myself.
Which doesn't feel right to say because recently I was actually left alone and to my own devices and I sat down and accomplished some reading. I read the comics that I have been buying and not been reading.
Is it because I am not comfortable with where I am when I start reading that I do not feel comfortable continueing the task. I'll get interrupted so I know that I shouldnt start something. I can't make a decision on how to correct this until I am able to decipher what it is that is stopping me from doing the things I used to really enjoy.
Because I do miss reading comics. I do like them and I do enjoy the art and the story of what I have been buying. And by story I meant the pregression of the narrative, not the over arching plot.
One wa I could interrept this is I need to name the feeling.
I hold a book in my hand I a see what I could be doing, get overwhelmed, and I turn away to do things I feel are more comfortable, things that do not have any upper strength or meaning. Am I avoiding making things I care about because I feel that I don't care about the right things? That What I have to say/create doesn't deserve a voice or an identity because it isn't deep enough or could be saying the wrong thing.
I am refusing the read the books I own and the comics I buy and its that when I hold the books inmy hand I worry that because I'm consuming media I care about that it has to be up to a certain standard that they don't matter. Or even that because I know it should have a deeper meaning and I'm worried that I won't be able to find it. And that because it does have a layer of meaning that I exhaust what should be relaxing into an exercise of the mind.
I think that's it though. That I'm purposefully stuck in literary analysis mode and I am not enjoying media in a way that is just a relaxation. Like when I have to defend my position to say that Captain Kirk is better than Captain Picard. I could get into the psycho analysis of the writitng of the show at different time periouds and I could pick apart the characters in the context of the episodes, the eu even. But it feels like such a fight that I'm not just enjoying it as a piece of entertainment. I feel obligated to critically analyse whatever is in front of me that I strike myself down for not being willing to do so.
Thats why I enjoy fanfiction so much more. I already know why its been written and I know the meta analysis because the summaries of fic tell you exactly what kind of story you will be reading. THe writers when you follow them are easily read on why they are creating something. Because it is no longer a struggle to determine causation, realization, and limitations, and metaphors, and reasonings, it's not just bare fun.
That's also why I like british style of story telling more because it is so focused on the actions of others that it feels more realistic and surface level than the poorly multilayered storytelling of the west.
What about this is stopping me from enjoying my own possessions though?
I am recognizing what it is that isn't fun about them but what would put me into a position of thinking they are fun?
For the walking dead comics I think it's that the story keeps going and going and excessively escelating without any breaks tht I don't keep reading it. I enjoyed it though when I read a bunch of them at once. I think the waiting between them is what keeps me from sufficiently enjoying them though.
Do you ever feel so overencumberred by an emotion that you cry?
Everything is fine, right, in the way that you lie to yourself because looking directly at the emotions you are trying not to have makes you feel guilty and then that feeling of passing over emotional s like a tool, that guilt at not being able to allow yourself to feel those other things piles on top of it. Burdening the structural integrity of the denial you live. I don't understand it, yet, but the emotions of holding a loved ones dead body are so all consuming I'm not sure what happened inside me. My cat died last year, April 14th 2016.
I have her ashes in a lock box and the animal friends of the valley also gave me an embalming of her foot print.
But it's when I'm thinking, reliving the moment of her death because I still don't understand what I did to be able to lose off my emotions so tightly that I only cried a few rears and the n took care of business. I put her flappy body into a box with a towel-because she preferred to have something soft when she travelled- and my dad and I went to the animal friends of the valley clinic to drop her off.
It costs me a little under a hundred dollars to have her cremated and the ashes sent to me.
I tell myself I shut down the emotional reaction s and went clinical in my delivery because my sister and mom wouldn't be able to react well to this news.
My sister would cry; the disparity of the situation consuming her. My mother would complain about attachments and how unbeliebale the death was in an attempt to distance herself from the emotions of the situation.
I've found that the stranger my mom feels about something the further she attempts to remove it from herself. She gets angry and accusatory about everyone else's reactions in a stressful situation because she doesn't want to have to recognize and process the emotions herself.
My dad is the most similar to myself.
He has an outburst and then in the attempt to close off and also force the procession and this results in an emotional tide that peeks and crests lie the ocean on rocks segregated from the walls of the beach.
Today a man, one of the greeters at church told me that Jesus loves me. That day I was feeling particularly sinful because I hadn't done the bsf lessons that we'll, the week b before, and I was had just finished listening to a lecture that touched v on living in sin. Which I am gay and v sometimes I worry about not being Christian even though I believe myself to be because I am gay and b should that nullify my commitment to Jesus?
But that ma n, he told v me that Jesus loves me and he grabbed my hand and v liked me in b the eyes when he said that.

I don't feel like I am pasing my math class. It upets me that I will fail this class. It will be the first math class I have failed since high school. Odd, how the class is not over yet but I say these things like they are predisposed to happen.
Does that mean they will because I have percieved it to happen.
Tonight I need to find my previous tests so I can ask questions.

You know what is a theme with me? When I believe that I am a failure it is common thinking in my brain to describe how I feel. I used that to identify what I was feeling so that I could expose it rather than dwell on it, the negative viewpoint.
I did that today when my boss told me I had not noticed something I should have over 2 days ago. I went ahead and believed him v and I told myself a number of negative self hatred talks. Then I ended v it by pointing a productive turn around for what my boss had pointed out.
It's been a year. That is fantastic amount of length. Which is not to say that it is a good time I've had away from here but the point is it had been a long time. It in fact feels as though it has been a lifetime.
I got promoted at work and have felt airy right on schedule so nothing had changed for my emotional unbalance. For my work though, I realized over the weekends that I have become someone I do not like anymore. Someone that u would not be find of. This is really in relation to my work personality and how the stress affected me.
A stressor is something I accept as constant. It is a presence of foreboding that keeps my chest
I can't say there's really a reason for me disappearing, other than that I needed to evaluate my current position and future.

It's been almost a year. That's insane. Wildly enough, I got promoted and that is why i disappeared. I felt I needed to focus on work and you know what? It didn't really help.
I need somewhere to vent that isn't my friends.
Somewhere that won't be open to prying eyes that I have to see daily.

School is a hassle and dragging and lagging. Work is mediocre and frustrating. Art is time consuming.
I'll sit and draw for HOURS and not stop. It's so good to just sit and work on something continuously.
College feels like high school and I left that so fast I never wanted to go back but here I am. Feeling the nauseating burn of it all.
I'll need to talk to a counsilor about this. /: Hopefully they can suggest some alternative or alternate learning program that isn't 'sit in class and do the assignment'. I never retain things I learn this way. I need to either learn it on my own or have an immediate need of it.
THere are a multitude of reasons why I should be going to college. I'm so sick of it but there's benefits for doing the college try. One of them is the security in a future that won't be financially unstable and I am completely fine with that. I cannot continue this trip through class after class I am completely uninterested in. My current goal, after a discussion with my pals, is to get classes and a degree for what I am specifically interested in.
WHich is math and art. For years I was told that art was not a pursuit. That I needed to keep it a hobby and a non-interest. Now, twenty years later that perception has changed and I have been given the opportunity to pursue what I love to do. Maybe I should be an engineering designer whatever and work in an R&D.
It doesn't feel like something I would like to do though. I'd have to look into it.
THere are so many things I want to talk about right now but I cannot. There is too much in my head.
Riding on my own coat tails is how I would define my life right now. A wild ride that I can't control. The roller coaster has strapped me in of its own accord.

Here is a list of things that have happened:
I admitted to my friend I want to be in a relationship with them.
They agreed.
I feel nothing different other than a satisfaction that I can rely on them to not leave.
However the doubts also show up whenever I think that.
So I think the first thing even harder.
I have thought about my goal of being baptised again.
I've been promoted at work.

The most pressing concern for me is the promotion. I understand, after two weeks of being trained, what the previous people in this position have dealt with.
I, however, will not stand for this. I do not like living with chaos. It isn't fun and I don't like it. THe goal now is to make the line I own into a self sufficient team that can answer their own questions. Especially since I do not have the answers for them. I'm just their line of communication to the other departments they need services from.
I wouldn't say I'm feeling overwhelmed. This feeling is more that I do not want to become dissatisfied with this position once I've gotten a hold of it. THe problem with me is that once I understand something I don't like to do it anymore. The mystery is gone, there is no more appeal.
I guess this is why I enjoy fic and fandom so much. It always has something new coming at me. Nothing is stagnant.
What will I be doing about this? That's the question on everyones minds. Ten million dollar question right there.
I will continue to think on it. Right now my only answer to the attempt is to read the method sheets. That'd be nice. fuck.
For 2 weeks I was out of work. The line got shut down, then the other side got shut down and everyone got sent home. Unemployment was suggested and I did do file for it starting the first day I got home after being told this info. But then it was only two weeks and one week was taken up by the paperwork process so by the time I got my unemployent claim info in the mail I was back to work.
It's only been 3 days of work for me right now. I'm being promoted and given the position. It's nice. It doesn't seem hard just that the timing of products I need to work on. THere's no clear direction to take the work so I have to figure out my own system and where the info is. I'll get it down though. I have this (whats left of it) and next week to figure everything out.
There are many things that go through my head on a day to day basis. Every so often (roughly 3 month cycle) I think of the future and what I'm doing with this life. As a human, fully capable of learning, processing, and plain just doing anything at all, the future scares me. I worry over whether I will have the time to do work that will allow me to be successful. That I will not have taken the correct path to getting to what I believe is the goal-a house, a person to love and be loved in return, financially sound, maybe a pet). Then there comes the horror that what I have done is meaningless and won't get me anywhere. What if I die before I can be good at something that others appreciate? Will I have been happy?
Whenever thoughts like that start to come back around I shut the doors in the brain and open the windows to my friends lives. How they have affected me I repeat to myself that they care about me and would never betray me. Over five years ago I admitted to myself through an emotional breakdown that I had friends and they cared about what I did. My actions and thoughts mattered to them. Logically, I am pretty sure that I should be feeling that way about my family, but they have betrayed me and I cannot trust them with my feelings or actions.
I get angry at myself when these thoughts come back to me so I widdle down my focus to whatever it is that I'm doing at the time those thoughts arrive. I'll start working harder at whatever I'm doing until I outrun the insecurities.
When you get pulled in too many directions it feels like the world is going to crash around you but it doesn't because you aren't the center or the stabilizing force of everything. Unfortunately. I don't know what to do with my life. I really don't. I want to go into art but I want to have a lot of stability and assurance that I will always be prepared for what comes next. This sounds weak, I know. Why stop what you want for a few bits of security which really can't be assured anyways. Why not take chances and enjoy the ride life takes me. I have lived in fear of failure for so long but really, has anyone else noticed how low key everyone is? Minimum GPA to get into university in California is 2.7, my current workplaces standards are so low I could barely be awake and get half the work done and still be able to say my job isn't in jeopardy.
One thing that is coming along how I secretly hoped it would is commissions. My mom wants my art from the last semester of classes in her cubicle at work (so many others dress up their cubes to pretend they aren't at work so might as well let her have this right??) and people have been giving her shit for not supporting my art career. It is what makes me happy. I'm not sure how to continue though.
I could have sworn I was getting better at this self care thing. However, it turned out while I succeeded for a week I have drawn back down. I'm tired as hell all the time and feel like passing out during the day. Even when I wear my mask to bed too. When I was working out tonight I guess my blood sugar dropped too fast/low and i threw up a little. THen I felt better.
However, I am feeling proud of my art lately. I got an A in art class which is all I really cared about anyways.
Last week began like any other; me horribly tired and not too willing to be at work. Too bad that I spent the whole week eating once a day which drove me down that weirdo emotional spiral that typically happens every 6 months. That thing, the spiral, turns me into a very self loathing person for a while. It starts out as not being able to eat. I do eat (i.e. one bag of fruit snacks, one piece of toast, a cup of coffee, half a bottle of water for a 24 hour period), sometimes I'll eat half of my moms dinner since she only ever eats half of what fits onto the center of a bread plate anyways. When I stop eating I start to get nauseous (a side effect from starving myself at a young age), I don't feel hunger anymore or get a grumbly tummy. The first step is dry throat and nausea to a headache. On Thursday night I started eating again and I've had a good three days of eating two or three times a day. It feels like, to me, that eating every few hours is fine, but if I go more than two without anything I morph into a slump that hates eating and won't do it. Speaking of this issue is weird since I don't typically write out what it is I go through with my eating habits (the nonexistent ones) except in a sarcastic tone with friends.
I honestly don't know the answer to getting myself on the right track for eating.
My assignment in art class is due tomorrow (doubtful given the current trend in work ethic from the rest of the class). I lost my prisma color pencil so I had to find a substitute, luckily the years of drawing and collecting colored pencils has helped me out because I found a crayola twistable and white colored pencil. After this white on black project there's the scratchboard one. And also I owe my teacher like 20 bucks for the supplies I've gotten from her to do these projects.

In other news, I saw CHAPPiE and let me tell you a thing: I love robots with feelings. That robot has a soul? It has a learning curve and a makeshift family it has no real parameters to but does care about? I am all about that.

Work is supposed to be letting up soon. End of this week is the end of the quarter so there's a lot of hustle and shuffle to get out as many units as possible. Apparently the regular line starts at 5:30am but I physically can't do that so 6am it is for me.
I swear I could sleep for a week straight without eating or ever getting up to pee just because I am so tired. I slept for 3 days because I got sick over the weekend. I could have kept going to, if it weren't for that meddling full time job.
Now that I'm back in the swing of things I only get nauseous like twice a day (once while driving and once at work). It's fine, I'll keep going. I gotta keep this up for a year to atleast appease myself that I tried my best at the place I was.
There's a lot of things that have been happening right now.
I've saved almost 2k dollars and i've paid off almost 3k on my car. I've got to start paying back housing to my parents so hopefully I get those receipts from them soon.
Work has been a hassle and I've been speculating on whether I will keep this job. It doesn't pay well hourly, but it gets me by and is boosting my savings monthly. However, doing what I do right now for the pay I'm getting with no benefits is not going to be worth it halfway through the year. I spend so much in gas and bills that I may lose sight of what it is i'm there to gain. I try despretely to cling onto the hope of full employment but its only a 10% chance they MAY hire me on. I would stay if they did. The math works out in my head if they pay me just another 3-5 $ more I could survive and have savings up in that town instead of this home base. Unfortunately, as the days go by my motivation for other things drains into the work bucket. I'm slacking off in classes and my personal projects because of it.
While I do wish to continue working in factory work testing units, i know for certain that it is just going to get more boring as the weeks go on and on and on and I'll snap at some point.
It feels like ages. It was only Monday this week that I last posted. I did find one of my kindles, changed my oil and filter, cleaned my car, and turned in the portrait assignment. Works been good. It doesn't kill me as bad anymore since I stopped coming in at dark thirty AM. I can get almost 6 hours of sleep except for the nights of class. Hopefully I figure out a way of waking up those days.
The perspective/foreshortening assignment still hasn't been turned in on my account. It's my own fault for putting stuff off still. It's one of those situations where too many things are going on and I can't keep track of all of them. Well, not so much keep track-i know what i need to have finished and when- but I just don't want to do them when I have the time. My free time gets sucked into gym time, internet, and watching M.A.S.H.
There are just so many things that I want to share. I'll begin with earlier this week.
I got really angry at work and I'm not entirely sure why. I was tired and cranky and trying my best to hold it in but it shows on my face, turning it totally red. What sets it off is that I'm tired as fuck and moving slowly at work makes me start to fall asleep. Too bad that 80% of the work ethic there is to go slow as snot all day until the last 2 hours when they buzzcram the last ten units out. Why do people try to milk work hours? What happened to doing your job as efficiently as possible and then going home?
School work also gets me down. Two classes makes me feel swamped! Shit needed to get done today but I sure as fuck am not working on it. RIght now I can't even go to sleep because of how much i needed done today. If i go to bed I know for certain that i will not be waking up tomorrow until it's 3am Monday and i need to get ready for work.
I finally got to see one of my friends though. I'm going to try and hang out with 'em my one day off this week otherwise I'll become a talking trap and never let either of us go home at night after classes.
it's already noon. I've been up since 8am and I'm nowhere near completing my art assignment. Not only that one, but a redo of the previous assignment. I had been working 12 hr days for a week when that assignment was due so it looks like shit. I feel bad because my first assignment was pretty good. Unfortunately, work was down for a month at that time so I could relax and complete it to the fullest.
Still have it planned to do my cars oil and clean it. Today's my last day off until a week of so from now. Work wan'ts us there 25/7 even if it's pointless.
Not too much to complain about, given what my situation was a year ago I am grateful for the work. So much overtime got be almost 6k in 3 months.
In recent developments, I don't have to be at work Monday so I'm setting this up. There's homework that needs to be done but, due to misplacement of my kindle (both of them?) I will not be getting that done tonight. I tell myself I'll do it tomorrow because it's a whole new day to find my kindle and do the reading for the tests, but I'm going to wash, vacuum, and change the oil in my car tomorrow.