I've been in a slump. Really it is in slump of waiting out the interum between actions. There currently isn't much to do. Which of course is a lie I could be doing plenty of things but I feel no drive to because those are my own personal aspirations and I do not feel any drive to complete those things that have no impact on anyone but myself. I am starting to recognize in myself that I don't actually much care for who I am outside of others. I don't have my own life that is seperate from the people that I interact with whether they are online or those I meet with my eyes.
I have writting interests and drawing interests and reading interests but what I start to accomplish those things I feel as though because I am not sharing them that I cannot enjoy them by myself.
Which doesn't feel right to say because recently I was actually left alone and to my own devices and I sat down and accomplished some reading. I read the comics that I have been buying and not been reading.
Is it because I am not comfortable with where I am when I start reading that I do not feel comfortable continueing the task. I'll get interrupted so I know that I shouldnt start something. I can't make a decision on how to correct this until I am able to decipher what it is that is stopping me from doing the things I used to really enjoy.
Because I do miss reading comics. I do like them and I do enjoy the art and the story of what I have been buying. And by story I meant the pregression of the narrative, not the over arching plot.
One wa I could interrept this is I need to name the feeling.
I hold a book in my hand I a see what I could be doing, get overwhelmed, and I turn away to do things I feel are more comfortable, things that do not have any upper strength or meaning. Am I avoiding making things I care about because I feel that I don't care about the right things? That What I have to say/create doesn't deserve a voice or an identity because it isn't deep enough or could be saying the wrong thing.
I am refusing the read the books I own and the comics I buy and its that when I hold the books inmy hand I worry that because I'm consuming media I care about that it has to be up to a certain standard that they don't matter. Or even that because I know it should have a deeper meaning and I'm worried that I won't be able to find it. And that because it does have a layer of meaning that I exhaust what should be relaxing into an exercise of the mind.
I think that's it though. That I'm purposefully stuck in literary analysis mode and I am not enjoying media in a way that is just a relaxation. Like when I have to defend my position to say that Captain Kirk is better than Captain Picard. I could get into the psycho analysis of the writitng of the show at different time periouds and I could pick apart the characters in the context of the episodes, the eu even. But it feels like such a fight that I'm not just enjoying it as a piece of entertainment. I feel obligated to critically analyse whatever is in front of me that I strike myself down for not being willing to do so.
Thats why I enjoy fanfiction so much more. I already know why its been written and I know the meta analysis because the summaries of fic tell you exactly what kind of story you will be reading. THe writers when you follow them are easily read on why they are creating something. Because it is no longer a struggle to determine causation, realization, and limitations, and metaphors, and reasonings, it's not just bare fun.
That's also why I like british style of story telling more because it is so focused on the actions of others that it feels more realistic and surface level than the poorly multilayered storytelling of the west.
What about this is stopping me from enjoying my own possessions though?
I am recognizing what it is that isn't fun about them but what would put me into a position of thinking they are fun?
For the walking dead comics I think it's that the story keeps going and going and excessively escelating without any breaks tht I don't keep reading it. I enjoyed it though when I read a bunch of them at once. I think the waiting between them is what keeps me from sufficiently enjoying them though.