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Apr. 26th, 2017

Do you ever feel so overencumberred by an emotion that you cry?
Everything is fine, right, in the way that you lie to yourself because looking directly at the emotions you are trying not to have makes you feel guilty and then that feeling of passing over emotional s like a tool, that guilt at not being able to allow yourself to feel those other things piles on top of it. Burdening the structural integrity of the denial you live. I don't understand it, yet, but the emotions of holding a loved ones dead body are so all consuming I'm not sure what happened inside me. My cat died last year, April 14th 2016.
I have her ashes in a lock box and the animal friends of the valley also gave me an embalming of her foot print.
But it's when I'm thinking, reliving the moment of her death because I still don't understand what I did to be able to lose off my emotions so tightly that I only cried a few rears and the n took care of business. I put her flappy body into a box with a towel-because she preferred to have something soft when she travelled- and my dad and I went to the animal friends of the valley clinic to drop her off.
It costs me a little under a hundred dollars to have her cremated and the ashes sent to me.
I tell myself I shut down the emotional reaction s and went clinical in my delivery because my sister and mom wouldn't be able to react well to this news.
My sister would cry; the disparity of the situation consuming her. My mother would complain about attachments and how unbeliebale the death was in an attempt to distance herself from the emotions of the situation.
I've found that the stranger my mom feels about something the further she attempts to remove it from herself. She gets angry and accusatory about everyone else's reactions in a stressful situation because she doesn't want to have to recognize and process the emotions herself.
My dad is the most similar to myself.
He has an outburst and then in the attempt to close off and also force the procession and this results in an emotional tide that peeks and crests lie the ocean on rocks segregated from the walls of the beach.

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