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When you get pulled in too many directions it feels like the world is going to crash around you but it doesn't because you aren't the center or the stabilizing force of everything. Unfortunately. I don't know what to do with my life. I really don't. I want to go into art but I want to have a lot of stability and assurance that I will always be prepared for what comes next. This sounds weak, I know. Why stop what you want for a few bits of security which really can't be assured anyways. Why not take chances and enjoy the ride life takes me. I have lived in fear of failure for so long but really, has anyone else noticed how low key everyone is? Minimum GPA to get into university in California is 2.7, my current workplaces standards are so low I could barely be awake and get half the work done and still be able to say my job isn't in jeopardy.
One thing that is coming along how I secretly hoped it would is commissions. My mom wants my art from the last semester of classes in her cubicle at work (so many others dress up their cubes to pretend they aren't at work so might as well let her have this right??) and people have been giving her shit for not supporting my art career. It is what makes me happy. I'm not sure how to continue though.
I could have sworn I was getting better at this self care thing. However, it turned out while I succeeded for a week I have drawn back down. I'm tired as hell all the time and feel like passing out during the day. Even when I wear my mask to bed too. When I was working out tonight I guess my blood sugar dropped too fast/low and i threw up a little. THen I felt better.
However, I am feeling proud of my art lately. I got an A in art class which is all I really cared about anyways.
My assignment in art class is due tomorrow (doubtful given the current trend in work ethic from the rest of the class). I lost my prisma color pencil so I had to find a substitute, luckily the years of drawing and collecting colored pencils has helped me out because I found a crayola twistable and white colored pencil. After this white on black project there's the scratchboard one. And also I owe my teacher like 20 bucks for the supplies I've gotten from her to do these projects.

In other news, I saw CHAPPiE and let me tell you a thing: I love robots with feelings. That robot has a soul? It has a learning curve and a makeshift family it has no real parameters to but does care about? I am all about that.

Work is supposed to be letting up soon. End of this week is the end of the quarter so there's a lot of hustle and shuffle to get out as many units as possible. Apparently the regular line starts at 5:30am but I physically can't do that so 6am it is for me.
It feels like ages. It was only Monday this week that I last posted. I did find one of my kindles, changed my oil and filter, cleaned my car, and turned in the portrait assignment. Works been good. It doesn't kill me as bad anymore since I stopped coming in at dark thirty AM. I can get almost 6 hours of sleep except for the nights of class. Hopefully I figure out a way of waking up those days.
The perspective/foreshortening assignment still hasn't been turned in on my account. It's my own fault for putting stuff off still. It's one of those situations where too many things are going on and I can't keep track of all of them. Well, not so much keep track-i know what i need to have finished and when- but I just don't want to do them when I have the time. My free time gets sucked into gym time, internet, and watching M.A.S.H.
There are just so many things that I want to share. I'll begin with earlier this week.
I got really angry at work and I'm not entirely sure why. I was tired and cranky and trying my best to hold it in but it shows on my face, turning it totally red. What sets it off is that I'm tired as fuck and moving slowly at work makes me start to fall asleep. Too bad that 80% of the work ethic there is to go slow as snot all day until the last 2 hours when they buzzcram the last ten units out. Why do people try to milk work hours? What happened to doing your job as efficiently as possible and then going home?
School work also gets me down. Two classes makes me feel swamped! Shit needed to get done today but I sure as fuck am not working on it. RIght now I can't even go to sleep because of how much i needed done today. If i go to bed I know for certain that i will not be waking up tomorrow until it's 3am Monday and i need to get ready for work.
I finally got to see one of my friends though. I'm going to try and hang out with 'em my one day off this week otherwise I'll become a talking trap and never let either of us go home at night after classes.



August 2017

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