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Riding on my own coat tails is how I would define my life right now. A wild ride that I can't control. The roller coaster has strapped me in of its own accord.

Here is a list of things that have happened:
I admitted to my friend I want to be in a relationship with them.
They agreed.
I feel nothing different other than a satisfaction that I can rely on them to not leave.
However the doubts also show up whenever I think that.
So I think the first thing even harder.
I have thought about my goal of being baptised again.
I've been promoted at work.

The most pressing concern for me is the promotion. I understand, after two weeks of being trained, what the previous people in this position have dealt with.
I, however, will not stand for this. I do not like living with chaos. It isn't fun and I don't like it. THe goal now is to make the line I own into a self sufficient team that can answer their own questions. Especially since I do not have the answers for them. I'm just their line of communication to the other departments they need services from.
I wouldn't say I'm feeling overwhelmed. This feeling is more that I do not want to become dissatisfied with this position once I've gotten a hold of it. THe problem with me is that once I understand something I don't like to do it anymore. The mystery is gone, there is no more appeal.
I guess this is why I enjoy fic and fandom so much. It always has something new coming at me. Nothing is stagnant.
What will I be doing about this? That's the question on everyones minds. Ten million dollar question right there.
I will continue to think on it. Right now my only answer to the attempt is to read the method sheets. That'd be nice. fuck.
When you get pulled in too many directions it feels like the world is going to crash around you but it doesn't because you aren't the center or the stabilizing force of everything. Unfortunately. I don't know what to do with my life. I really don't. I want to go into art but I want to have a lot of stability and assurance that I will always be prepared for what comes next. This sounds weak, I know. Why stop what you want for a few bits of security which really can't be assured anyways. Why not take chances and enjoy the ride life takes me. I have lived in fear of failure for so long but really, has anyone else noticed how low key everyone is? Minimum GPA to get into university in California is 2.7, my current workplaces standards are so low I could barely be awake and get half the work done and still be able to say my job isn't in jeopardy.
One thing that is coming along how I secretly hoped it would is commissions. My mom wants my art from the last semester of classes in her cubicle at work (so many others dress up their cubes to pretend they aren't at work so might as well let her have this right??) and people have been giving her shit for not supporting my art career. It is what makes me happy. I'm not sure how to continue though.



August 2017

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