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Riding on my own coat tails is how I would define my life right now. A wild ride that I can't control. The roller coaster has strapped me in of its own accord.

Here is a list of things that have happened:
I admitted to my friend I want to be in a relationship with them.
They agreed.
I feel nothing different other than a satisfaction that I can rely on them to not leave.
However the doubts also show up whenever I think that.
So I think the first thing even harder.
I have thought about my goal of being baptised again.
I've been promoted at work.

The most pressing concern for me is the promotion. I understand, after two weeks of being trained, what the previous people in this position have dealt with.
I, however, will not stand for this. I do not like living with chaos. It isn't fun and I don't like it. THe goal now is to make the line I own into a self sufficient team that can answer their own questions. Especially since I do not have the answers for them. I'm just their line of communication to the other departments they need services from.
I wouldn't say I'm feeling overwhelmed. This feeling is more that I do not want to become dissatisfied with this position once I've gotten a hold of it. THe problem with me is that once I understand something I don't like to do it anymore. The mystery is gone, there is no more appeal.
I guess this is why I enjoy fic and fandom so much. It always has something new coming at me. Nothing is stagnant.
What will I be doing about this? That's the question on everyones minds. Ten million dollar question right there.
I will continue to think on it. Right now my only answer to the attempt is to read the method sheets. That'd be nice. fuck.
Last week began like any other; me horribly tired and not too willing to be at work. Too bad that I spent the whole week eating once a day which drove me down that weirdo emotional spiral that typically happens every 6 months. That thing, the spiral, turns me into a very self loathing person for a while. It starts out as not being able to eat. I do eat (i.e. one bag of fruit snacks, one piece of toast, a cup of coffee, half a bottle of water for a 24 hour period), sometimes I'll eat half of my moms dinner since she only ever eats half of what fits onto the center of a bread plate anyways. When I stop eating I start to get nauseous (a side effect from starving myself at a young age), I don't feel hunger anymore or get a grumbly tummy. The first step is dry throat and nausea to a headache. On Thursday night I started eating again and I've had a good three days of eating two or three times a day. It feels like, to me, that eating every few hours is fine, but if I go more than two without anything I morph into a slump that hates eating and won't do it. Speaking of this issue is weird since I don't typically write out what it is I go through with my eating habits (the nonexistent ones) except in a sarcastic tone with friends.
I honestly don't know the answer to getting myself on the right track for eating.
There's a lot of things that have been happening right now.
I've saved almost 2k dollars and i've paid off almost 3k on my car. I've got to start paying back housing to my parents so hopefully I get those receipts from them soon.
Work has been a hassle and I've been speculating on whether I will keep this job. It doesn't pay well hourly, but it gets me by and is boosting my savings monthly. However, doing what I do right now for the pay I'm getting with no benefits is not going to be worth it halfway through the year. I spend so much in gas and bills that I may lose sight of what it is i'm there to gain. I try despretely to cling onto the hope of full employment but its only a 10% chance they MAY hire me on. I would stay if they did. The math works out in my head if they pay me just another 3-5 $ more I could survive and have savings up in that town instead of this home base. Unfortunately, as the days go by my motivation for other things drains into the work bucket. I'm slacking off in classes and my personal projects because of it.
While I do wish to continue working in factory work testing units, i know for certain that it is just going to get more boring as the weeks go on and on and on and I'll snap at some point.



August 2017

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