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There are many things that go through my head on a day to day basis. Every so often (roughly 3 month cycle) I think of the future and what I'm doing with this life. As a human, fully capable of learning, processing, and plain just doing anything at all, the future scares me. I worry over whether I will have the time to do work that will allow me to be successful. That I will not have taken the correct path to getting to what I believe is the goal-a house, a person to love and be loved in return, financially sound, maybe a pet). Then there comes the horror that what I have done is meaningless and won't get me anywhere. What if I die before I can be good at something that others appreciate? Will I have been happy?
Whenever thoughts like that start to come back around I shut the doors in the brain and open the windows to my friends lives. How they have affected me I repeat to myself that they care about me and would never betray me. Over five years ago I admitted to myself through an emotional breakdown that I had friends and they cared about what I did. My actions and thoughts mattered to them. Logically, I am pretty sure that I should be feeling that way about my family, but they have betrayed me and I cannot trust them with my feelings or actions.
I get angry at myself when these thoughts come back to me so I widdle down my focus to whatever it is that I'm doing at the time those thoughts arrive. I'll start working harder at whatever I'm doing until I outrun the insecurities.
My assignment in art class is due tomorrow (doubtful given the current trend in work ethic from the rest of the class). I lost my prisma color pencil so I had to find a substitute, luckily the years of drawing and collecting colored pencils has helped me out because I found a crayola twistable and white colored pencil. After this white on black project there's the scratchboard one. And also I owe my teacher like 20 bucks for the supplies I've gotten from her to do these projects.

In other news, I saw CHAPPiE and let me tell you a thing: I love robots with feelings. That robot has a soul? It has a learning curve and a makeshift family it has no real parameters to but does care about? I am all about that.

Work is supposed to be letting up soon. End of this week is the end of the quarter so there's a lot of hustle and shuffle to get out as many units as possible. Apparently the regular line starts at 5:30am but I physically can't do that so 6am it is for me.



August 2017

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