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For 2 weeks I was out of work. The line got shut down, then the other side got shut down and everyone got sent home. Unemployment was suggested and I did do file for it starting the first day I got home after being told this info. But then it was only two weeks and one week was taken up by the paperwork process so by the time I got my unemployent claim info in the mail I was back to work.
It's only been 3 days of work for me right now. I'm being promoted and given the position. It's nice. It doesn't seem hard just that the timing of products I need to work on. THere's no clear direction to take the work so I have to figure out my own system and where the info is. I'll get it down though. I have this (whats left of it) and next week to figure everything out.
There are many things that go through my head on a day to day basis. Every so often (roughly 3 month cycle) I think of the future and what I'm doing with this life. As a human, fully capable of learning, processing, and plain just doing anything at all, the future scares me. I worry over whether I will have the time to do work that will allow me to be successful. That I will not have taken the correct path to getting to what I believe is the goal-a house, a person to love and be loved in return, financially sound, maybe a pet). Then there comes the horror that what I have done is meaningless and won't get me anywhere. What if I die before I can be good at something that others appreciate? Will I have been happy?
Whenever thoughts like that start to come back around I shut the doors in the brain and open the windows to my friends lives. How they have affected me I repeat to myself that they care about me and would never betray me. Over five years ago I admitted to myself through an emotional breakdown that I had friends and they cared about what I did. My actions and thoughts mattered to them. Logically, I am pretty sure that I should be feeling that way about my family, but they have betrayed me and I cannot trust them with my feelings or actions.
I get angry at myself when these thoughts come back to me so I widdle down my focus to whatever it is that I'm doing at the time those thoughts arrive. I'll start working harder at whatever I'm doing until I outrun the insecurities.
In recent developments, I don't have to be at work Monday so I'm setting this up. There's homework that needs to be done but, due to misplacement of my kindle (both of them?) I will not be getting that done tonight. I tell myself I'll do it tomorrow because it's a whole new day to find my kindle and do the reading for the tests, but I'm going to wash, vacuum, and change the oil in my car tomorrow.



August 2017

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