I started going to therapy to assist with managing my emotional cycle and curbing my violent outbursts. When I'm irritated I become violent towards that irritation, then myself if I cannot allow myself to act upon that violent urge. For example: hitting others with blunt objects, hitting myself with a ruler, digging my nails into the skin of my hands, hitting parts inside my car. I react in this manner because my emotional state is in over drive.
The opposite end of the spectrum is a lack of care taken towards my own body. No longer brushing my teeth, eating, exercising, and no longer doing any activity other than sleep. How long have I been going without showering? Without cooking? Without enjoyment of my own interests? For example: The last 3 weeks I've been in an emotional rut of being just fine but nothing more. I can actively participate at work without needing distractions but I also am not joyful of anything.
Reflecting upon my mood journal this downward trend started around April 7th. Which is line with my prediction that I would be sad/upset in April. Was this a manifestation of my own design or random happenstance? Either way it lasted one month and I'm back to happy.

There is much I have to ruminate on. During the first session with my new therapist I mentioned how I feel when I have an outburst of emotion. Like I'm misbehaving and I'm disappointed in myself for not having total control. But, what the therapist mentioned at that, was how misbehaving is how one would describe a childs actions. Which really hit me right where I live. That's a core belief, isn't it? My expectation of knowing how my actions are perceived so that I can have total control on the tightrope where i allow emotions to cross from inner feelings to outward actions. Constantly vigilant of the gait of those emotions and making assumptions on how they will perform. But that control is also what limits the best of emotions.
I've been practicing allowing my emotions room to breathe and have characteristics.

I moved 3000 miles away from my family and they admit to following me to the east cost for the sake of our relationship.
Do I acctually care? Not at all. But I feel obligated to care. I feel obligated and responsible for their happiness and quality of life and I also feel that I shouldn't feel that I should not be obligated to that responsibility. It is on the onise of the child to maintain the stability of a home? I think not, because it puts a level of responsibility on a childs shoulders that they should not carry. Does that mean that it will never or should nevver happen> No. It does and my circumstances are not the end of the shitty rainbow. There are others with very much more dire circumstances that they had to be resonsible for when the shit hit the fan. For example my friends brother. The situations he was raised in and having to ccare or his younger siblings makes me imagine that my situation is not at all similar or as dire. It's an emotional experience I have and a sense of being an outcast. But plenty of people have this.

I hate who I am when I'm angry and when I feel my family near me. Because I bend to their will and distort my personage to fit their circumstances rather than my own. And I'm so awful at it I cannot actually be a person I am simply reacting. The anxiety and anger I feel towards myself for not fitting into and being able to fix the situation.

I feel as though I cannot follow Gods commands when I'm estranged from my family. I feel like I am betraying a part of myself when I'm purposefully removing myself from that circle. My Sister hangs onto me and I feel I must let her do so. I went through what she went through and I told her my option and how to survivie out situation. I left and I don't want back in. I want to never see them or speak of them again. I want them to be so far removed from me, like 3000 miles physically, that I don't have to worry about any of them coming in conact with me again. Let them spiral out of control without me. Don't drag me down into the depths with you.

I don't have an answer for myself. I finally feel like I can see the world again. I'm in a slight manic state. I'm going to go hiking tomorrow, whether with Kayla or not. And I will make myself a present and remove myself entirely from their situation.

Three months into loving across country and what has changed?
Not much.
And yet, I am happy.
I wouldn't say I have everything I was asking for. I wouldn't say I traded up in the world. I wouldn't even say my day to day is that different.
What is apparent, in this change, is that I am no longer as angry. I am not in a state of despair over my actions and their consequences and the minute details that I usually have to look out for.
When living in a stressful, raged filled, environment, every side activity and hobby is no longer a pursued interest, but an en-devour to remove all conscious recognition of the unpleasant.
There is some residual effects of having become accustomed to an environment like that. I recognize the anger in myself when I am around people that are acting in ways that remind me of my parents. It hasn't happened often but when it does I become immediately tense and angered. My solution so far has been to move myself from the area and go to a different group. It sort of works if I focus intently on the new conversations and behaviors.

I am...proud of who I am right now.
2018 started with the sickness of my cat. My new cat, the Felix replacement. Felix finally died after 24 years of being the attachment of my heart and I got Altair to fill the part of me that would become empty due to the loss of Felix. It did work, in that I was able to have a cat still and didn't really have to process the loss of Felix. With the loss of Altair though, I was brought back to the path of healing. The path I didn't want to go down.
I spent a lot of money on Altair to keep her alive. I think, there is a part of me that believes she died because she gave up since I was gone on a trip. I had left for New York the second time that year and she took a downturn spiral and my dad had to take her in and get her put down. I was on the phone with him and the doctor of the pet hospital as we talked about whether it would be good for Altair, for me, and financially how I wanted to deal with it. There are some absolutely astounding people working at the pet hospital in town and I am very grateful for how they helped. They do have payment plans and their staff is very considerate of how they treat people that are unable to pay but have brought their pets in.
I had been saving money ever since I started working out of high school. I do NOT regret how I spent that money. I will never regret putting my money into the creature I loved, still love.
There is a part of me that wants to mourn the loss of my pets and there is a much bigger part of me that won't let me. Maybe one day I will let myself cry over it.
As the year continued I came to a realization. This wasn't a sudden epiphany but a slow realization that I was not the person I wanted to be. The identity I had crafted for myself in my home town was built on necessity and the confused beliefs I had to wrestle with being presented and conforming to.
I had to be the good child for my parents. I had to not bring up their flaws and their habits that grated on me and I had to swallow my pride and my sense of justice when they berated myself or my sister for who we are. Many fights occured that started because I could not stand silent and allow them both to continue saying derogatory and down right insulting comments regarding my sisters mentality and how much it burdened them. I truly despised their backhanded comments and lack of empathy regarding my own goals and aspirations.
What I want to convey in specifics is two occurances. THe first is with my parents fighting each other. My mom is a drinker and she uses it to cope with the stress of her workplace. I agree that her workplace is awful and they coworkers and bosses there have no idea how to communicate and cohabitate a workplace so that everyone is performing a function that allows the company to provide its services to the best of its abilities. Instead of efficiency through a flow of work that has its checks and balances throughout the seperate departments they had individuals that believed they only had to do exactly what their boss asked of them that day and nothing else. I understand where she's coming from and what she has had to deal with in her life, and by familial ties me in her life, but that does not excuse the behavior she exhibits when around her family. It isn't fair to me, her child, that when I do see her in the house she is load, abrasive, repetetive, and dreogatory towards everyone else. When i say deragotry, I mean that she believes her opinion needs to be known and she needs to vent how outlandish everyone else is when all she wants is to get work done. It's all rather petty things surrounding large, truly rude things that she has said.
In one example of the very end of 2017, I had been hearing my mom and dad argueing about how neither one listens to the other (he's trying to cook and ask questions about how she wants it done when does she want it done) and she won't bother responding. Typing away on her keyboard doing one of the hundred things that gets asked of her while at work that she has to wait to respond to when she gets home. When he finally gets fed up enough of her ignoring him he throws a towel at her and it spills her beer. She flips her shit, screaming about how she has no respect, going on about her work life and what it puts her through. Wheni say going on, i mean repeatedly saying the same sentence. Wheni say repeating I mean she will say one to two sentences and then get flustered and say them again. Her brain is cyclicle in that she cannot fathom thinking outside of the two settings she has, WHich are work attitude and working from home attitude. She's got the reasons all lined up in her brain to excuse her behavior and she cannot possibly critically analyze herself because she would see the flaws of her own logic and how it hurts her and thus hurts everyone else.
I could not stand listening to this because it had gone on for 10 minutes already so I got a day old cup of cofee from my desk ( i drink 1 cup for 2 days) and I come storming out of my room slamming every door and wall on my way.
I throw the cup into the kitchen straight for the back door.
I scream at them both to SHUT UP.
My tactic in this is to yell at them both that their behavior is unacceptable. Yes he was wrong for throwing something. Yes I know why you did it. My mom tries to defend her response but I cut her off. I tell her that her response is unacceptable as well, when she blatently ignores and doesnt care about what goes on here while she is physically here it sends a message to us all that you dont care enough to participate in the family. The relationships we have dont mean nearly the same level as the work she hates does. SHe tries to dissuade me and excuse her behavior that she s the only one working and has to keep working shes keeping this family in a home. I tell her that she isn't.
I tell her i have repeatedly asked for bills to pay, for an amount of rent that she wants. She has refused to meet me on my participation or from miki so she cannot hold it against me when she has made no attempt to even hold the responisbilityy accountable. She continues to say the same thing, that she is the one providing for this family and how dare I accuse her of not being part of it. I am livid and my dad is trying to stop me from coming any further into the kitchen. I shove him and go for my mom. I grab her hands and hold them to her lap. I look her directly in the face.
I tell her that, when you come at us for not being understadning when we want you present and part of our lives and accusing us of having no idea when you go through when you have no idea when any of us go through each day because you dont care. Youre the most important person in your life and it shows when you constantly ignore us and anytime you want to say something its a snide comment on how wrong or weird it is.
She tries to pull her hands away but I hold them tighter.
I continue on telling her that she has no business drining and working and then continueing a fight that started because she doesnt want to be present for her life with us. If work is so important to her and more important than us (me) than dont ever bother being here at all.
My dad pulls me away, im crying, shes crying.
She goes to hit me but my dad gets in the way now she is hitting him and screaming at me.
She sscreams that I have no idea and fuck me for ever treating her this way. I'm being a fucking bitch and have no clue what she has gone through.
She continue to hit my dad and I stand staring at her still.
She tells me that I'm a bitch and need to get out of her house. Get out of HER house this is HER house and I cannot talk to her this way. Get out and dont come back here.
So I do.
i'm wearing carpenter shorts and a work out tank top. No bra. No socks. No shoes.
I leave.
Then I proceeded to walk 4 miles into town to a park. I stay there for a while. My feet are killing me but I'm still so angry that I feel nothing but the snot coming out of my nose and the pounding in my head.
I stayed there for an hour. THen walked back.
By the time I get back it's already 1 am and I am making my way to a numbness. My dad is still up talking to my mom because she is still livid at my behavior.
My sister warns me wheni come in that they are still mad and mom wanted to throw away all my things and lock the doors. She stayed up to make sure I could get in.
I go to my room.
For the proceeding 3 months we did not speak or make eye contact with each other.
I stopped coming home after work. I went and parked my car at the library and walked down to a nearby starbucks so that I could get a cup of coffee or tea and then walk back to my car. By then it'd be passed 10pm and my mom and dad would likely be asleep so I could come into the house.
That was how 2018 really started.
I am not sure where to keep going with this. It's made me sad, recounting this story.
3 months into 2018 Altair developed a type of cancer that was not curable. It had a treatment plan that had a very small success rate. I decided to go for it because i'd saved money and the treatment plan would be half of what money i'd saved over my years of part time jobs.
As I was treating Altair, spending 200 to 400 dollars a week, I was also planning trips with a friend. A small goal I had made for myself to help redefine what I wanted in life was to go on trips to other states. I had one friend that went on trips constantly and she was a good person and very kind so i asked her if it would be alright if I could go on a trip with her. She said thatd be fine and more than welcomed. Together we planned out seeing Hamilton in LA, seeing Spongebob in New York, going to Pax West, seeing Spongebob again in New York, going to Twitchcon, going to MAgfest. I have absolutely loved every trip we have gone on. She is a delight and together we have discovered how much better friends and people we are with each other this constantly and consistently seen. I have known her for 12 years and used to have to schedule to hang out with her minimum 3 months in advance and we onyl did that once every 3 years.
But now I'm so glad we have spent this time together. I'm glad to see her so happy and we truly do compliment each other personality wise and want to see the best for each other. She's gone throgh so much and I'm extremely happy for her current flow in life. God has blessed us both with other.
Another fight I had extremely recently was with my Father. I came home from work and was very hungry. I don't normally eat dinner at home because it requires me to use the kitchen, which will alert my father that someone is in there and then he will need to be in there to tell me all about how i could be cooking differently. Telling me what to make, how to make it. What happened this time is that I went in to make a quesadia and as I was making it and starting to prep the second one (one is NOT enough) he came out to the kitchen. He told me that was for me. I asked what. He said that and pointed even though I was not looking at him. I told him I am cooking, what is for me.
I opened the fridge and he says that box. I assume he is talking about the left overs he had stored from red lobster. I pull it out and he says, yes, that is for mom. SO I put it back and ask what is for me what is he talkig about.
I finally turn to look at him.
He starts telling em that he went to check the mail.
I deflate, knowing what is comng is that same sentence 5 more times.
It does.
Every time I respond with okay, he starts the sentence over. He went to check the mail. The cats followed him. They followed him, he went to check the mail, as hes checking the mail, the key was in the box.
I say, okay.
I am getting exasperated. I want to eat.
He starts over, saying he went to check the mail and the key was in the box.
I ask him what is for me, what is he talkig about.
He deliberatly halts his story and stands straighter to tell me that he is telling me.
This goes on or 5 minutes, my quesadia needs to be flipped.
I tell him that

I'm currently in a place emotionally that I am ok with.
I'm going out and trying new things and travelling and meeting new people. It's been very entertaining and I've really started coming into a better understanding of the kind of person thank am rather than whom believe myself to be.
I have had some intrusive thoughts lately.
Along with some doubts that cone crashing in at waves.
Like if I made the right decision to change jobs.
Is how I'm treating my new employers really appropriate and should I be more forward and understanding of their perspective?.
Those doubts always follow with a crushing guilt over my current decisions and future decisions.
Should I really do such and such? It would make me look bad for these reasons.
I feel like I'm going through a physical high on making wild decisions. But I love going out and about. I love going to new places. I'm enjoying seeing these new faces and making aquantinces.
I try to tell myself to stop those trains of thoughts. And I try to examine what parts I'm over analysing and blowing outnof proportion.
As well, I try to remain happy and at least neutral towards myself because I do have people that are in my life consistently and that do enjoy my presence.
If nothing else, I love taking people at their world and face value because it allows me to be more relaxed with my feelings and interpretations of situations because I'm not overthinking every step I make when I put my trust in others honesty.
That's what they get for thinking I wouldn't take them at their word.

There are people in my life that I want to invest my time with. I want to be a presence in their life that they are comfortable with. Someone they can share information with and be proud to know.
In order to benefit my friends, one in particular, I suggested sharing their research and progress with me. So that they would feel comforted and empowered by their decisions and emotions rather than overencumbered. I put my best foot forward and they met me the same way. 
When I started this journey, this walk of self discovery, I was prepared to be midlyl challenged by myself. Going through the process of recovery with someone else, I expected that it wouldn't Have anything to do with me. I expected to have to critique and tweak the processes of this situation to fit myself so I could better empathize with my friend.
Instead, what I have done is open a door that I shut many years ago and saw all the things I've always hidden and tried to never think about. The things that occurred when I was young, angry, and out to get myself.
When I was a child, a young child, I was sexual abused.
Calling the experience of my childhood abuse has never been a part of what I choose to define myself. No matter what aspects of myself I have adopted and discarded I have always believed they were in my full control. But this journey I have started has put into a position where I must confront what happened. Why I have the beliefs that I do. When I adopted those beliefs and how I adapted to circumvent the circumstances I was in. That I am in.
I've started this process with first, excuses. I excused the behaviors I saw reflected in myself and I excused the people responsible for those rationales and situations that they put me in.
Then, I reacted with abject humor. I could pretend I was okay with what I was realizing if I was willing to laugh at it, say it didn't bother me any longer.
As I continued to dive into my experiences I met up with a lot of what I had purposefully forgot. the parts of myself I chose to ignore, the memories i had repressed.
Now that I am calling it what it is thsee memories bring with them emotions I haven't felt in their full context since the beginning of highschool.
I will not be posting the specific aspects of the memories that surface. I am reserving that and the until reactions to the recovery process that I will be going through in a lovely journal I ordered for this express purpose.

2018 has been a blast of fun and blast of nerves. Started off riding high with seeing Hamilton over on the west coast and then solidifying the plan to go over to New York for a week.
As well, held down a night job that got em through a few months at the end of 2017 spending all that money for Hamilton tickets and then being offered a job in Temecula.
Then it started going belly up.
My cat developed cancer and we've been, I mean I've been, with assistance from my father on the medication side, taking care of that situation. It's going okay for now but the last two weeks she hasn't been able to recieve treatment for it because her white blood cell count is too low to administer the new dose. So we tried two new injections to get her count up.
But then we also lowered the amount of administrations for her other medications and she was reversing her status. As in, she started barfing and getting diareha.
But, that was early in the week and now we've got her getting all pills and liquids she is supposed to have at the regular intervals.
So we'll see how it goes tomorrow at the vet.
As well, the job I was supposed to start in February got pushed out to April and now it's pushed out to some point this month. I haven't recieved a location other than the generl area and I haven't recieved a time or day to start. But, it looks like it will be pretty relaxed. They're just looking for some help and I just didn't want to drive to Carlsbad anymore. Epecially since I didn't want to quit my current part time job in favor of a higher paying job that still didn't give me enough money to live on my own. How is 19 and hour not a livable wage that will get me 2.5x the rent??
So I may as well just stick with the easier job and get my situation and goals in order in the mean time while I wait to start this second job so I can get an income that will assist me in this cancer treatment plan.

Because of the cancer treatment I had to put building my computer on hold. I was already half way done and only actually needed to spend another I'll say 800 dollars for teh rest of the parts. However, that's 800 dollars that will now go to the vet, food, and bills.
In the mean time, been working on the Naruto au and a few au's other than that. Along with the au turned original story. Only got 1 page out as a concept page but the character designs are finalizing.

So the new year is on.
I've written a lot of projects down to do this year. I haven't gotten around to getting anywhere near 50 % done with any of them, but I have hope. Hope and perserverance in the face of anxiety over ever being any good at any of the things that I create.
There's the Gallifrey project, the rvb drawings, the naruto project, and those are just the three that require assistance. Everything else I have is a wip whether its by hand drawing or digital.
As well,
On the work front I quite my job one year ago and by the end of the year I had two new jobs. Now this year I am going to quite working in manufacturing again (by the end of February) because of how awfully far it is from my house. It's 40 miles and takes one hour to get there. Yeah, this doesn't seem like a problem, but it costs me time to sleep (i get 5 hrs a night) and there is also the matter of gas. Gas is up to 3.30 a gallon and costs me essentially 70 dollars a week to work there. The pay is amazing because of being third shift and I do enjoy the work and my coworkers. I'm actually conflicted over quitting if I am perfectly honest. But I want to move and keeping this job that has no housing affordable for the job near it is ridiculous.
I want to be able to walk or bike to work.

In the mean time I'm working on some side projects of building a little wooden robot and building a computer. As well as playing some of the games I own. Which really is a daunting task but it is definitely possible. Definitely if i section my time correctly. What I'm thinking is doing it as due dates for updating certain websites. Youtube needs to be updated on Monday. So that means playing either a stream or editing a youtube video. Sunday I get to read a book and I can probably play whatever game I need to edit the video of. Next is that I do actually need to update my fiverr and work on art projects. I've got the time so long as I section it out.
When I think of these personal projects I want to do I get overloaded and definitely want to quit my night job. It's frustrating getting so little sleep. But luckily it keeps me out of the house which is really the reason I want to keep it.
Being overloaded like this makes me feel more productive especially because work is boring as fuck so I listen to music and sketch.

I've been in a slump. Really it is in slump of waiting out the interum between actions. There currently isn't much to do. Which of course is a lie I could be doing plenty of things but I feel no drive to because those are my own personal aspirations and I do not feel any drive to complete those things that have no impact on anyone but myself. I am starting to recognize in myself that I don't actually much care for who I am outside of others. I don't have my own life that is seperate from the people that I interact with whether they are online or those I meet with my eyes.
I have writting interests and drawing interests and reading interests but what I start to accomplish those things I feel as though because I am not sharing them that I cannot enjoy them by myself.
Which doesn't feel right to say because recently I was actually left alone and to my own devices and I sat down and accomplished some reading. I read the comics that I have been buying and not been reading.
Is it because I am not comfortable with where I am when I start reading that I do not feel comfortable continueing the task. I'll get interrupted so I know that I shouldnt start something. I can't make a decision on how to correct this until I am able to decipher what it is that is stopping me from doing the things I used to really enjoy.
Because I do miss reading comics. I do like them and I do enjoy the art and the story of what I have been buying. And by story I meant the pregression of the narrative, not the over arching plot.
One wa I could interrept this is I need to name the feeling.
I hold a book in my hand I a see what I could be doing, get overwhelmed, and I turn away to do things I feel are more comfortable, things that do not have any upper strength or meaning. Am I avoiding making things I care about because I feel that I don't care about the right things? That What I have to say/create doesn't deserve a voice or an identity because it isn't deep enough or could be saying the wrong thing.
I am refusing the read the books I own and the comics I buy and its that when I hold the books inmy hand I worry that because I'm consuming media I care about that it has to be up to a certain standard that they don't matter. Or even that because I know it should have a deeper meaning and I'm worried that I won't be able to find it. And that because it does have a layer of meaning that I exhaust what should be relaxing into an exercise of the mind.
I think that's it though. That I'm purposefully stuck in literary analysis mode and I am not enjoying media in a way that is just a relaxation. Like when I have to defend my position to say that Captain Kirk is better than Captain Picard. I could get into the psycho analysis of the writitng of the show at different time periouds and I could pick apart the characters in the context of the episodes, the eu even. But it feels like such a fight that I'm not just enjoying it as a piece of entertainment. I feel obligated to critically analyse whatever is in front of me that I strike myself down for not being willing to do so.
Thats why I enjoy fanfiction so much more. I already know why its been written and I know the meta analysis because the summaries of fic tell you exactly what kind of story you will be reading. THe writers when you follow them are easily read on why they are creating something. Because it is no longer a struggle to determine causation, realization, and limitations, and metaphors, and reasonings, it's not just bare fun.
That's also why I like british style of story telling more because it is so focused on the actions of others that it feels more realistic and surface level than the poorly multilayered storytelling of the west.
What about this is stopping me from enjoying my own possessions though?
I am recognizing what it is that isn't fun about them but what would put me into a position of thinking they are fun?
For the walking dead comics I think it's that the story keeps going and going and excessively escelating without any breaks tht I don't keep reading it. I enjoyed it though when I read a bunch of them at once. I think the waiting between them is what keeps me from sufficiently enjoying them though.

Today a man, one of the greeters at church told me that Jesus loves me. That day I was feeling particularly sinful because I hadn't done the bsf lessons that we'll, the week b before, and I was had just finished listening to a lecture that touched v on living in sin. Which I am gay and v sometimes I worry about not being Christian even though I believe myself to be because I am gay and b should that nullify my commitment to Jesus?
But that ma n, he told v me that Jesus loves me and he grabbed my hand and v liked me in b the eyes when he said that.

I don't feel like I am pasing my math class. It upets me that I will fail this class. It will be the first math class I have failed since high school. Odd, how the class is not over yet but I say these things like they are predisposed to happen.
Does that mean they will because I have percieved it to happen.
Tonight I need to find my previous tests so I can ask questions.

You know what is a theme with me? When I believe that I am a failure it is common thinking in my brain to describe how I feel. I used that to identify what I was feeling so that I could expose it rather than dwell on it, the negative viewpoint.
I did that today when my boss told me I had not noticed something I should have over 2 days ago. I went ahead and believed him v and I told myself a number of negative self hatred talks. Then I ended v it by pointing a productive turn around for what my boss had pointed out.